matter of time

day 10 and everything after.
on day 10 i learned how to cope with crisis; retract inward and run.
so i did. as fast as i could until it felt like my heart would explode, praying for the fire in the back of my throat to ignite my entire body. and it did.
then i crumbled.
like a little child, face down on the floor next to my baby's crib where she laid sleeping and sobbed. for me, for her, for them. mostly for them. eventually sobs slowed, turned to cries, then to stillness. i allowed the pulse of jonah's calm, even breaths to fill my ears. escape. not peace, but escape. for me, for right now, it's enough.

on day 10 we lost spencer's beautiful, beautiful sister.
words could never do her justice, they'd only fail me.