"you can do hard things"

day 19.

stages of grief.
denial. anger. bargaining. depression. acceptance.

the process of sorting out the emotional chaos left over from these last two weeks is proving to be difficult. the near impossible kind of difficult. never having experienced any kind of real loss before now, i can only liken the emotional process to steering a ship, a horribly unreliable ship, through a giant storm; to safely make it through all of this, we remain conscious. auto-pilot is not an option. the second we let go of the helm, it spins wildly out of control and, in keeping with dramatics, we capsize. - e.g. shatter your cell phone by spiking it in the middle of your living room floor. (stage: anger.)

so as i sail my tiny ship through waters my life has yet to witness before now, my eyes are open. - as frightening as it is to look, my eyes are open. - i am conscious and aware of the impact of this moment. and as uncomfortable as it is to become vulnerable to it, i will allow myself to be. i will choose to let it change me. it is difficult, but in the words of a speaker whose name i never thought i'd need to remember, [i] can do hard things.
and i can.

stages of grief.
near impossible. ugly. vulnerable. beautiful.